Why Do I Like To Argue? How Can I Stop?

Why Do I Like To Argue? About Argumentativeness:

Some people like nothing better than a good argument - they seem to live for it. For them, it is a form of entertainment that beats going to a movie every time! At the other end of the scale are those who will do anything to avoid an argument. They want everyone to be nice and to get along, no matter what. As with most things in life, a happy medium between the two is usually best.

Let's take a look at those who like to argue. The problem with having an affinity for a good argument is that it can so easily be overdone. I have a good friend who is a chronic arguer, for this example, let's call him Bob. I know that with Bob, expressing just about any opinion will lead to more than just a simple exchange of views. On one occasion we were discussing golf, and I stated that I though Phil Michelson (an amateur golfer who had just turned pro) would eventually join the ranks of the truly great golfers. Bob immediately disagreed. He gave me a ten minute lecture about all the gifted amateurs who had disappointing pro careers. He tried to pin me down about how many tournaments I thought Michelson would win, and I finally ended the discussion by agreeing to a $10 bet that he would win eight major tournaments by the year 2013. But Bob wasn't finished yet! We then had to discuss whether it would adjusted to reflect inflation! And finally we had to talk about what index we would use to make the adjustment. I really do enjoy Bob's company, but there are times when he just wears me out!

One thing that Bob is very good about, that other arguers are not - he sticks to the issue. He never makes arguments personal. He has never accused me of being incapable of understanding the topic under discussion or of being ill-informed. He shows respect for my opinions even though he makes it clear he thinks they are wrong. Unlike Bob, many arguers mistake their own aggressiveness and hostility for assertiveness. They believe that anything said during the heat of the argument is fair, no matter how much it hurts the other person. Their goal is to win their point, at any cost.

Advice For Arguers

If you are this type of "win at all costs" type of arguer, you probably do "win" a lot of arguments. But you are probably losing friends. You are a bully, and you should cut it out. If you are more like Bob, all you need to do is tone it down a little. When you have made all of your points, stop. Even if your opponent remains unconvinced. Discussions do not have to have winners and losers, only participants. Most everyone likes to exchange views and opinions, but it does not always have to turn into a contest of intellect and will. And remember, there is a huge difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. Assertiveness means expressing your opinion in a socially acceptable fashion. It does not mean saying nasty things to people during the heat of a discussion, nor does it mean that you must persist until your opponent capitulates.

Advice For Non-Arguers

You may find yourself at the other end of the scale - a terminal "nice guy". And you are. You wouldn't dream of hurting anyone's feelings. But you can also be viewed as somewhat bland and uninteresting (It is hard to feel like you know someone who never expresses an opinion for fear that it will turn into an argument). If this describes you, you may want to make an effort to speak up more. Remember, most everyone enjoys a good discussion, and that requires you to express your thoughts and opinions. You don't have to tell others they are wrong in order to have a good discussion. Concentrate on "I" statements. Say things such as "I've always thought....." or "It seems to me....." As long as you never tell others explicitly that they are stupid or misinformed, they will not resent you for your views. And they will probably appreciate getting a clearer idea of the kind of person you are.