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The
difficulty you may have in speaking your mind is probably causing you
to feel lonely, isolated, and exploited. Yes, it is good to be
assertive, but just don't overdo it. Extremely assertive
individuals tend to be hard-driving, ambitious people who can also be
self-centered. They have a tendency to believe that their own
feelings and desires are more important than those of anyone
else. It is best to attempt to have a medium level of
assertiveness, and this article will get you well on your way to
achieving that goal.
It is important, though, that you know the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. Assertiveness is defined as the socially appropriate expression of feelings, so assertive behavior need not be aggressive.
For example, when returning defective merchandise to a department
store, an aggressive person might complain loudly about the merchandise
and belligerently demand a full refund. An assertive person would
state the reasons for the return, not only in a clear and forthright
fashion, but also calmly and reasonably. Assertive people are
intent on making their feelings known to others. Aggressive
people want to place themselves in a "one-up" position. Our
department store example is one situation where it would be more desirable to be assertive rather than aggressive.
Your Assertiveness Plan: Step One
Because assertiveness tends to be related to specific situations, you may want to devise a somewhat more detailed plan for change. The first step is to list the situations in which you would like to be more assertive. For example, if you have a hard time saying "no" to people, you might find it helpful to make a list of the situations in which you have trouble saying "no", even when you would like to.
Second Step To Assertiveness:
The second step is to order this list in terms of how difficult each situation is for you. It may not be all that difficult for you to say no to a telephone caller soliciting for a charity, while it may be extremely difficult for you to say no to a close friend who asks to borrow your car. For each situation you think of, write down an assertive response that you believe is appropriate for the situation. To the telephone caller you might say "I'm sorry, I can't help you. My policy is never to send money in response to phone solicitations." To your friend you might simply say "I don't lend my car to other people." In thinking about assertive responses, remember that you do not have to explain your feelings or reasoning, nor do you have to apologize for them. It is always nice to be tactful, but don't forget that it is the other person who is putting you on the spot by making an unreasonable request.
Because assertiveness tends to be related to specific situations, you may want to devise a somewhat more detailed plan for change. The first step is to list the situations in which you would like to be more assertive. For example, if you have a hard time saying "no" to people, you might find it helpful to make a list of the situations in which you have trouble saying "no", even when you would like to.
Second Step To Assertiveness:
The second step is to order this list in terms of how difficult each situation is for you. It may not be all that difficult for you to say no to a telephone caller soliciting for a charity, while it may be extremely difficult for you to say no to a close friend who asks to borrow your car. For each situation you think of, write down an assertive response that you believe is appropriate for the situation. To the telephone caller you might say "I'm sorry, I can't help you. My policy is never to send money in response to phone solicitations." To your friend you might simply say "I don't lend my car to other people." In thinking about assertive responses, remember that you do not have to explain your feelings or reasoning, nor do you have to apologize for them. It is always nice to be tactful, but don't forget that it is the other person who is putting you on the spot by making an unreasonable request.
Third Step To Assertiveness:
The third step to assertiveness is practice. Begin with the easiest tasks on your list, and as you begin to feel more comfortable with those, move up in the hierarchy. When you are asserting yourself, catch yourself when you have negative thoughts and make a conscious effort to substitute positive thoughts. Practice may not make perfect, but it can make a difference. And remember, your goal is not to become a self-centered, agressive person; you simply want to enjoy your social relationships and to stop others from taking advantage of you.
The third step to assertiveness is practice. Begin with the easiest tasks on your list, and as you begin to feel more comfortable with those, move up in the hierarchy. When you are asserting yourself, catch yourself when you have negative thoughts and make a conscious effort to substitute positive thoughts. Practice may not make perfect, but it can make a difference. And remember, your goal is not to become a self-centered, agressive person; you simply want to enjoy your social relationships and to stop others from taking advantage of you.
How To Be More Assertive:
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